4 steps to regulate yourself in the midst of conflict

Conflict doesn't have to be a relationship killer. In fact, it can be an opportunity for growth and deeper connection if handled correctly.

I've developed a four-step process to help you regulate yourself during conflicts. This method allows you to pause, reflect, and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.

If conflict has left you feeling overwhelmed, like you don’t even recognize yourself in the heat of an argument, you’re not alone. When tensions rise unexpectedly, our nervous system reacts before we have time to think. We say things we don’t mean, we shut down, or we agree to things just to escape the moment. It’s not a reflection of who you are—it’s a reaction. And the good news? You can change how you respond.

Conflict Doesn’t Have to Define You

When an argument blindsides you, the first instinct is often to react. Your brain goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode, making it impossible to think clearly.

That’s why the first step in handling conflict differently is simple: pause. Just listen. If emotions are running too high or if the situation feels unsafe, stepping away is not only acceptable—it’s necessary. Your mental and emotional well-being come first.

If the conversation is safe but overwhelming, try taking notes. It helps you stay grounded and ensures that when you respond later, you’re addressing what was actually said, not just reacting to the heat of the moment.

Then, give yourself time. Tell the other person, “I need a little while to process this. Let’s talk about it tonight.” You don’t have to fix everything immediately. Taking space is not avoidance; it’s making room for clarity.

Rebuilding from a Place of Clarity

Once you’ve stepped back, it’s time to process. Write down everything you heard—not your opinions, just the facts of what was said. Then, allow yourself to vent. Put pen to paper and let it all out. The frustration, the hurt, the confusion—whatever comes up. There’s science behind this. Writing engages your brain in a way that helps lower adrenaline, bringing your nervous system back to a calmer state. Cry if you need to. It’s not weakness; it’s your body’s way of releasing stress.

After the emotions have had their space, shift your focus to what you know is true. What do you know about yourself, the relationship, and your values? Conflict shakes our sense of security, so grounding yourself in what you know helps rebuild stability. Maybe you know that you are a kind person, that you care deeply about this relationship, or that you are capable of handling hard conversations.

Writing these truths down reinforces them when your emotions try to convince you otherwise.

Trusting Yourself to Move Forward

One of the biggest reasons conflict feels messy is because we second-guess ourselves. We wonder if we should have said something differently or if we even have the right to feel the way we do. That’s why the next step is about trust.

Make a list of the ways you trust yourself. Trust yourself to communicate clearly. Trust yourself to recognize when a relationship is healthy—and when it’s not. Trust yourself to walk away when necessary.

The more you build this internal trust, the less power conflict has over you.

Creating an Action Plan

Now, it’s time to decide what comes next. This action plan is for you, not the other person.

First, determine if you even want to engage with this conflict. Not every disagreement needs a resolution right now. If you need more time, say so. “I’m still thinking about this, and I want to have a productive conversation. Can we revisit it in a couple of days?”

Then, consider the long-term picture. What are your goals for this relationship? If it’s worth working on, how can you do your part while allowing the other person to do theirs? Healthy relationships require effort from both sides. If you’re carrying all the weight, it might be time to reevaluate what’s best for you.

Conflict is normal. The goal isn’t to avoid it but to handle it in a way that strengthens rather than weakens your relationships. The steps above take practice, but they give you back control over your own reactions. I'm going to walk you through each step of my conflict regulation technique in the video below. You'll learn how to calm your nervous system, align your thoughts, and create an action plan for healthy communication.